PAIRS Healing the Ledger Exercise

Get a mat or something else that allows you and your partner to lay down in a nurturing position (holding each other comfortably).

Decide who is going to be the sender/confider (the one who speaks first) and who is going to be receiver/confidant (the healer).

It may be helpful to play soft, relaxing music in the background. One PAIRS' favorite is James Galway's "Songs of the Seashore."

For the confider, as you lay there, reflect on an emotional allergy of yours, something that your partner does or does not do that triggers a strong emotional response in you.

Choose one that you are willing to confide about to potentially discover more about its origins and heal it.

For the listener, your role is to listen to your partner with empathy, continue to embrace your partner throughout the exercise, and, in Part III (below), speak the words requested.

For the confider, as you prepare to begin, become aware of your breathing. Very intentionally allow your breathing to flow very gently and easily. Take a deep breath and let it out. Another. And another. With each deep breath, if there are any tight places in your body, allow them to loosen as you slowly exhale. And then allow your breath to flow regularly and easily.

When you are ready, complete (aloud to your partner) each of the following sentence stems in sequence:

PART I

An emotional allergy that you trigger in me is ....
When this allergy happens, what I think or tell myself about you is ....
When this allergy happens, what I feel about what happened is ....
And then, what I feel about even having that feeling is ....
When that happens, the reaction or the behavior you then see from me is ....

PART II

What this allergy relates to in my history is ....
When this allergy happens, the person out of my past that you remind me of is ...
The price we have paid for this in our relationship is ....
What I needed to have happened in the past instead would have been ....

PART III

The words from the past that I needed, the words that I wish had been said to me would have been ....
(For example, "I am sorry ...," "I wish ...," I wasn't aware that ...")
Listener now speaks the words that confider said were wished for, the words that would have been healing; speak the words with empathy and sensitivity. For the confider, simply allow yourself to take them in.

Continue to embrace each other for about ten minutes as you allow yourselves time to either hold each other quietly or speak gently with each other about what you're discovering.

PART IV

When you're ready to continue, the confider says:

I realize you are not (this person or people from my past) ....
When this allergy happens to me now, the way I can let you know what is happening inside me is ....
When this allergy happens to me now, the way I can help myself with this is....
When this allergy happens to me now, the way you can help me with it is...
Some of the things that I really enjoy about you are....

Embrace for about five minutes as you appreciate each other, the gift of confiding and listening.

REVERSE ROLES

When you are ready, reverse roles and complete the exercise again.