|PROBLEM OR FEELING AREA||PAIRS TOOL
|TO DO BY YOURSELF||TO DO WITH LOVED ONE||NOTES|
|Sense of growing distance or feeling distrustful, wary, anxious.||
DTR or Talking Tips
|Talking Tips to better understand your own thoughts and feelings||Set aside time; clear distractions. Make a commitment to regular Daily Temperature Readings. Build your Love Bank balance.||Use DTR to strengthen intimacy and confiding. Use Talking Tips for leveling.|
|Having a significant feeling in response to loved one's behavior; not sure what to say.||Talking Tips||Write or speak the Talking Tips to yourself to clarify what is upsetting you and what you're asking for instead.||Share a concern/complaint with your loved one in a manner that maximizes chance of being heard. Use Good Talking and Listening Skills.||Partner repeats exactly. No arguing. If defensive, wait to respond with a return Talking Tips.|
|Feeling angry and needing to express it safely||Emptying the Emotional Jug||Relieve feelings of anger, sadness and fear in private.||Relieve feelings of anger, sadness and fear by confiding in loved one. Make sure you're not placating, blaming, computing or distracting.||Ask Permission!!
Complete the Process.
Get to Relief.
|Wish to please and show loved one that you care. Build up positive Love Bank reserves.||Love Bank||Make a list of what increases the balance in your own Love Bank. Do those you can enjoy on your own (non-destructive).||Be intentional about doing at least two or three meaningful actions from each other's Love Bank lists each day.||Remember Loving Words, Touch, Gifts, Services, and Quality Time.|
|Strong feelings, experiences, ideas and/or emotional upset.||Shared Meaning
|Journal about experiences and events. Use Shared Meaning later.||Confide. Listen to understand, encourage and feedback partner's thoughts and feelings.||Use Leveling if it fits.
Encourage full expression. Appreciation!!
|Suspicious of partner's motives, wondering about partner's feelings or thoughts.||Mind Reading||--------||Ask permission!!!
Listen to correction.
|Check out assumptions and hidden expectations. Are they true?|
|Hurtful memory of a painful or deeply disappointing experience.||Museum Tour of Past Hurts and Disappointments||Use the directions and sentence stems to Journal about the experience.||Reflect on and share past hurts that may be affecting your relationship today.||Partner may say stems to speaker. Then, "I'm so sorry that happened to you."|
|Caught up in a negative cycle with a loved one.||Healing the Ledger||Journal using the Healing the Ledger sentence stems. Tape the healing words and listen to them.||Use the leveling position or lay down to embrace and comfort each other. Only need to do this in one direction but can do both for a loop or if both wish to work.||To heal old hurts and allergic emotional reactions that are affecting the relationship. Partner can hand stems to speaker.|
|Want to share memory of a joy, pleasure or delight.
Remind partner of your love.
|Museum Tour of Past Joys||--------||Share pleasures to inform, instruct and appreciate||Partner should listen very carefully. Source of Caring Behaviors that increase Love Bank balance.|
|Feeling jealous or mistrustful of your partner.||Web of Jealousy||Explore the Web of Jealousy. Answer confiding questions for yourself.||Share your Web of Jealousy answers with your partner and negotiate boundaries that are safe and manageable.||Be present with goodwill, openness to learning, and a desire for the relationship to win.|
|Lack of intimate connection with your spouse/significant other.||Romantic Preferences||Create your perfect love-making scenario.||Ask you spouse/significant other to complete theirs too and share with each other.||Stay grounded in desire to strengthen chemistry, compatibility and commitment.|