PAIRS Tool Kit for Enhancing and Enriching Love Relationships

Skills to Become Your Own Best Marriage and Relationship Expert

 

PROBLEM  OR FEELING  AREA	PAIRS TOOL TO USE	TO DO BY YOURSELF	TO DO WITH LOVED ONE	NOTES
Sense of growing distance or feeling distrustful, wary, anxious.	DTR or Talking Tips	Talking Tips to better understand your own thoughts and feelings	Set aside time; clear distractions. Make a commitment to regular Daily Temperature Readings. Build your Love Bank balance.	Use DTR to strengthen intimacy and confiding. Use Talking Tips for leveling.
Having a significant feeling in response to loved one's behavior; not sure what to say.	Talking Tips	Write or speak the Talking Tips to yourself to clarify what is upsetting you and what you're asking for instead.	Share a concern/complaint with your loved one in a manner that maximizes chance of being heard. Use Good Talking and Listening Skills.	Partner repeats exactly. No arguing. If defensive, wait to respond with a return Talking Tips.
Feeling angry and needing to express it safely	Emptying the Emotional Jug	Relieve feelings of anger, sadness and fear in private.	Relieve feelings of anger, sadness and fear by confiding in loved one. Make sure you're not placating, blaming, computing or distracting.	Ask Permission!! Complete the Process. Get to Relief.
Wish to please and show loved one that you care. Build up positive Love Bank reserves.	Love Bank	Make a list of what increases the balance in your own Love Bank. Do those you can enjoy on your own (non-destructive).	Be intentional about doing at least two or three meaningful actions from each other's Love Bank lists each day.	Remember Loving Words, Touch, Gifts, Services, and Quality Time.
Strong feelings, experiences, ideas and/or emotional upset.	Shared Meaning (Empathic Listening)	Journal about experiences and events. Use Shared Meaning later.	Confide. Listen to understand, encourage and feedback partner's thoughts and feelings.	Use Leveling if it fits. Encourage full expression. Appreciation!!
Suspicious of partner's motives, wondering about partner's feelings or thoughts.	Mind Reading	--------	Ask permission!!! Listen to correction. Feedback correction.	Check out assumptions and hidden expectations. Are they true?
Hurtful memory of a painful or deeply disappointing experience.	Museum Tour of Past Hurts and Disappointments	Use the directions and sentence stems to Journal about the experience.	Reflect on and share past hurts that may be affecting your relationship today.	Partner may say stems to speaker. Then, "I'm so sorry that happened to you."
Caught up in a negative cycle with a loved one.	Healing the Ledger	Journal using the Healing the Ledger sentence stems. Tape the healing words and listen to them.	Use the leveling position or lay down to embrace and comfort each other. Only need to do this in one direction but can do both for a loop or if both wish to work.	To heal old hurts and allergic emotional reactions that are affecting the relationship. Partner can hand stems to speaker.
Want to share memory of a joy, pleasure or delight. Remind partner of your love.	Museum Tour of Past Joys	--------	Share pleasures to inform, instruct and appreciate	Partner should listen very carefully. Source of Caring Behaviors that increase Love Bank balance.
Feeling jealous or mistrustful of your partner.	Web of Jealousy	Explore the Web of Jealousy. Answer confiding questions for yourself.	Share your Web of Jealousy answers with your partner and negotiate boundaries that are safe and manageable.	Be present with goodwill, openness to learning, and a desire for the relationship to win.
Lack of intimate connection with your spouse/significant other.	Romantic Preferences	Create your perfect love-making scenario.	Ask you spouse/significant other to complete theirs too and share with each other.	Stay grounded in desire to strengthen chemistry, compatibility and commitment.