"It's unacceptable that the price America's warriors pays for serving and protecting our families is ever losing their own."
|PROBLEM OR FEELING AREA||PAIRS TOOL
|TO DO BY YOURSELF||TO DO WITH LOVED ONE||NOTES|
|Readjusting After Deployment||Home Again||Consider the attitudes, behaviors and skills that help you succeed in the military and those that are important to creating a happy, healthy family.||Share your list with your spouse/significant other and talk about what you're realizing.||Before sharing your list, make sure you've both learned about skills for good listening and communication.|
|Feeling like you're not understanding each other.||Good Listening||Be sure you're using communication skills that strengthen intimacy, which can be very different from those for work.||Practice Talking Tips or Dialogue Guide, taking turns being both the Speaker and Listener to give yourselves the best chance of understanding each other.||Is your communication style the problem? Find out if you're placating, blaming, computing or distracting. Strive for leveling!|
|Not making time to connect with each other and your relationship.||Avoiding Intimacy||Check out the top ten ways people avoid intimacy and make sure you're not doing any of them!||Invite your partner to check out the list too and then compare with each other. Are either of you missing anything?||Love relationships require regular opportunities to connect. PAIRS skills will help you deepen connection and bonding once you're committed to being available.|
|Having trouble with differences of opinion or perceptions.||Five Freedoms||Consider these Five Freedoms that are vital to healthy relationships. Are you expecting your partner to sacrifice one or more of them?||Ask your partner to give you feedback on which, if any, of the five freedoms may be getting sacrificed. Consider what you can each do about that.||There are times that it can be difficult to see, hear and feel what is here instead of what we'd prefer. Use the skills to confide and work through those feelings.|
|Wanting to stay connected when away from home and family.||Daily Temperature Reading ("DTR")||Complete the five steps of the Daily Temperature Reading and send to yourself to consider what you'd like to share with your loved ones?||After completing the steps of the DTR, send it to your spouse/significant other or even children or parents and ask that they send you one too. Make a habit of DTRing regularly.||The DTR is a valuable tool for staying connected when you're away from loved ones. When you're together, doing it in person will become a natural part of strengthening your relationship each day.|
|Sense of growing distance or feeling distrustful, wary, anxious.||
DTR, Talking Tips or Dialogue Guide
|Talking Tips or Dialogue Guide to better understand your own thoughts and feelings||Set aside time; clear distractions. Make a commitment to regular Daily Temperature Readings. Build your Love Bank balance.||Use DTR to strengthen intimacy and confiding. Use Talking Tips or Dialogue Guide for leveling.|
|Having a significant feeling in response to loved one's behavior; not sure what to say.||Talking Tips
or Dialogue Guide
|Write or speak the Talking Tips or Dialogue Guide to yourself to clarify what is upsetting you and what you're asking for instead.||Share a concern/complaint with your loved one in a manner that maximizes chance of being heard. Use Good Talking and Listening Skills.||Partner repeats exactly. No arguing. If defensive, wait to respond with a return Talking Tips or Dialogue Guide.|
|Feeling angry and needing to express it safely||Emptying the Emotional Jug||Relieve feelings of anger, sadness and fear in private.||Relieve feelings of anger, sadness and fear by confiding in a loved one. Make sure you're not placating, blaming, computing or distracting.||Ask Permission!!
Complete the Process.
Get to Relief.
|Desire to show loved ones that you care. Build up positive Love Bank reserves.||Love Bank||Make a list of what increases the balance in your own Love Bank. Do those you can enjoy on your own (non-destructive).||Be intentional about doing at least two or three meaningful actions from each other's Love Bank lists each day.||Remember that what fills each other's Love Bank changes in different circumstances. What is a pleasure when you're apart from each can be different from what you want when you're reunited.|
|Strong feelings, experiences, ideas and/or emotional upset.||Shared Meaning
|Journal about experiences and events. Use Shared Meaning later.||Confide. Listen to understand, encourage and feedback partner's thoughts and feelings.||Use Leveling if it fits.
Encourage full expression. Appreciation!!
|Suspicious of partner's motives, wondering about partner's feelings or thoughts.||Mind Reading||--------||Ask permission!!!
Listen to correction.
|Check out assumptions and hidden expectations. Are they true?|
|Hurtful memory of a painful or deeply disappointing experience.||Museum Tour of Past Hurts and Disappointments||Use the directions and sentence stems to Journal about the experience.||Reflect on and share past hurts that may be affecting your relationship today.||Partner may say stems to speaker. Then, "I'm so sorry that happened to you," or "Thank you for sharing that with me." Complete the process.|
|Caught up in a negative cycle with a loved one.||Healing the Ledger||Journal using the Healing the Ledger sentence stems. It can be helpful to tape record the healing words and listen to them.||Use the leveling position or lay down to embrace and comfort each other. You only need to do this in one direction but can also both do one.||To heal old hurts and allergic emotional reactions that are affecting the relationship. Complete the process.|
|Want to share memory of a joy, pleasure or delight.
Remind partner of your love.
|Museum Tour of Past Joys||Reflect on happy, joyful memories that you can turn to anytime.||Share your memories with a loved one and consider how you can create new ones with each other.||Partner should listen very carefully. Keep in mind that joyful memories are often attached to behaviors and actions that increase the balance in your relationship Love Bank.|
|Feeling jealous or mistrustful of your partner.||Web of Jealousy||Explore the Web of Jealousy. Answer confiding questions for yourself. Consider boundaries that could help you feel safe.||Share your Web of Jealousy answers with your partner and negotiate boundaries that are safe and manageable.||Be present with goodwill, openness to learning, and a desire for the relationship to win. Complete the process.|
|Lack of intimate connection with your spouse/significant other.||Romantic Preferences||Create your perfect love-making scenario.||Ask you spouse/significant other to complete theirs too and share with each other.||Stay grounded in desire to strengthen chemistry, compatibility and commitment.|